Why Am I So Exhausted by Normal Life? Understanding Autism & Masking in Women
Have you ever looked around at other people and wondered how they seem to manage everyday life so easily? You go to work, respond to messages, maintain relationships, attend appointments, run errands, socialize, and keep up with all the responsibilities that come with adulthood, yet somehow you are completely exhausted by it all. Maybe you have always been told that you are sensitive, anxious, shy, an overthinker, a perfectionist, or someone who simply “takes things too seriously.” You might have spent years wondering why things that seem ordinary for everyone else require so much energy from you. The confusing part is that, from the outside, you may appear to be doing perfectly fine. You might be successful, social, empathetic, organized, accomplished, or even the person everyone else turns to for support. So why does simply existing in the world sometimes feel like so much work? For some women, exploring autism and neurodivergence can provide a new way of understanding experiences they have struggled to explain for years.
When You’ve Spent Your Life Learning How to Fit In
Our understanding of autism has expanded significantly, including greater recognition that autism may not always present in the stereotypical ways people expect. Some autistic women become incredibly skilled at observing the people around them and adapting their behaviour to fit social expectations. You may have learned how to make eye contact even when it feels uncomfortable, rehearsed conversations before they happened, watched other people to figure out how you were supposed to respond, or changed parts of your personality depending on who you were around. You might hide sensory discomfort, force yourself through overwhelming environments, suppress behaviours that help you regulate, or carefully monitor your facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language. Over time, these adaptations can become so automatic that you may not even realize you are doing them. This is often referred to as masking or camouflaging, and when you have been doing it for much of your life, masking may not feel like pretending at all. It may simply feel like being you.
“But I’m Good With People”
This is where some women become confused when they first start learning about autism. You might think, I can’t be autistic—I have friends, I understand humour, I’m empathetic, I can make eye contact, I have relationships, and I’m good at my job. None of these things, on their own, rule out autism. Sometimes the more useful question is not whether you can do something, but how much energy it takes you to do it. You may be perfectly capable of attending a dinner party while simultaneously monitoring how much you are talking, whether you are making enough eye contact, what your face is doing, whether someone’s tone changed, when you should speak, whether you misunderstood a joke, and whether something you said came across the wrong way. Everyone else may think you had a wonderful evening, while you come home completely depleted and need hours—or even days—to feel like yourself again.
Why Does “Normal Life” Make Me So Tired?
Think about something as ordinary as going out for dinner. While someone else may simply experience it as dinner, your brain might simultaneously be processing the music playing overhead, conversations at nearby tables, bright lighting, the smell of food, the texture of your clothing, an uncomfortable chair, the person speaking to you, when you should respond, what expression you should make, whether you are maintaining appropriate eye contact, and whether you appear comfortable. None of these things individually may seem significant, but together they can require an enormous amount of processing. Then someone asks why you are so tired, and you do not really have an answer because technically, you did not do anything particularly strenuous. You just went out for dinner. When this happens repeatedly across work, school, relationships, socializing, errands, and everyday responsibilities, “normal life” can begin to feel disproportionately exhausting.
When You Don’t Realize You’re Masking
One of the complicated things about masking is that you may not know you are doing it. If you learned from an early age that certain behaviours resulted in criticism, rejection, teasing, misunderstanding, or being labelled “too much,” you may have gradually learned to adjust yourself. Perhaps you became quieter, more agreeable, more socially observant, or extremely good at following rules. Maybe you learned to hide how overwhelmed you were because other people did not seem bothered by the same things. Eventually, you may become so accustomed to adjusting yourself that it becomes difficult to know where the mask ends and you begin. Some women describe feeling like they have a different version of themselves for work, family, friendships, romantic relationships, and social situations. This can eventually lead to a surprisingly difficult question: Who am I when I am not trying to be who someone else expects me to be?
“I Thought It Was Just Anxiety”
For many women, the path toward understanding neurodivergence may begin somewhere else entirely. Perhaps you have spent years believing you were simply anxious, depressed, overly sensitive, perfectionistic, socially awkward, or bad at coping with stress. Autism can also coexist with conditions such as ADHD, anxiety, depression, OCD, and trauma-related difficulties, which can make understanding what is happening even more complex. Different experiences can also look similar from the outside. Someone may avoid social situations because they fear being judged, while another person may avoid them because the sensory and social demands are exhausting; another person may experience both. Difficulty concentrating, emotional overwhelm, a need for predictability, social exhaustion, or difficulty completing everyday tasks can also have multiple explanations. This is why understanding the context and function of symptoms matters. If we only focus on what a person is experiencing without becoming curious about why they are experiencing it, an important part of the picture may be missed.
When Masking Becomes Exhausting
Constantly monitoring and adjusting yourself requires energy. If you are continually thinking about whether you are talking too much, being too quiet, making enough eye contact, responding appropriately, appearing interested, hiding discomfort, or behaving the “right” way, your brain may be doing far more work than anyone around you realizes. Over time, some autistic people experience what is commonly described as autistic burnout, which can involve significant exhaustion, increased sensory sensitivity, reduced capacity for everyday tasks, difficulty with executive functioning, and a greater need for solitude or recovery. This can be especially confusing for someone who has spent years being considered highly capable. You may find yourself thinking, I used to be able to handle all of this. Why can’t I anymore? Instead of assuming that you suddenly became less capable, it may be worth becoming curious about how long you have been pushing yourself beyond your capacity and what it has taken to maintain the version of yourself that everyone else sees.
Looking Back Through a Different Lens
Learning about neurodivergence can sometimes cause you to look back at your entire life differently. Experiences that once seemed unrelated may suddenly feel connected. Maybe you remember being extremely sensitive to certain sounds, foods, textures, clothing, or environments. Perhaps you became deeply absorbed in particular interests, struggled to understand friendship dynamics, preferred interacting with adults, needed substantial time alone after school, or felt distressed when plans unexpectedly changed. Maybe you were described as shy, dramatic, anxious, sensitive, perfectionistic, gifted, intense, mature, controlling, or “an old soul.” Perhaps you became extremely good at following expectations because doing things correctly gave you a sense of predictability. None of these experiences individually means that someone is autistic, and relating to information about autism does not automatically mean that autism is the explanation. However, learning about neurodivergence can give some people language for patterns they previously could not explain.
You Don’t Have to Figure It Out Immediately
If you are reading this and recognizing yourself, you do not need to immediately decide whether you are autistic. Online information can be a valuable starting point for reflection, but it cannot provide a diagnosis, and many neurodevelopmental and mental health experiences overlap. You can begin simply by becoming curious about yourself. Notice which environments leave you depleted and which ones allow you to relax. Notice whether you rehearse conversations, hide sensory discomfort, change yourself around different people, or need significant recovery time after socializing. Notice the situations where you feel as though you are performing and the ones where you feel most naturally yourself. If you choose to explore these experiences further, therapy or a comprehensive assessment with a clinician who understands neurodivergence and varied presentations of autism may help you make sense of the bigger picture.
Maybe the Question Isn’t “What’s Wrong With Me?”
If you have spent years wondering why everyday life seems harder for you than it does for everyone else, it is easy to turn that frustration inward. You might have tried to become less sensitive, less anxious, more organized, more social, more flexible, more productive, or simply better at coping. But understanding yourself does not always begin with trying harder to change yourself. Sometimes it begins by becoming curious about what your mind and body have been working so hard to manage. Instead of asking, “Why can’t I handle normal life like everyone else?” perhaps the question becomes, “What has my brain been working so hard to manage all this time?” Exploring autism, masking, and neurodivergence may not provide every answer, but for some women, it provides a new language for understanding experiences that have felt confusing for years. Sometimes recognizing how hard you have been working to appear okay is the beginning of understanding why you have been so exhausted.